While Will Farrell and I have very little in common, sometimes we do have to call on the same people for a little help.
After we left the Tiger Temple Rat took us to a dirt lot in the middle of nowhere where we could feed wild monkeys. Before we left the car she told me that I would have to hold the Miniman because the monkeys would try to poke his eyes with their fingers. According to Rat, they aren’t used to blue eyes and so they try to touch the odd-colored eyeball out of curiosity. They are really only a threat to small children as they don’t get too close to much larger animals (me).
The monkeys were everywhere. We had to be careful not to hit them as we were opening our car doors. I saw several tourists offering the monkeys bananas but they made a bee line for anyone holding coconut so that’s what we chose to purchase from the lady selling fruit out of a cart. I had to put Miniman down to get money out of my bag to pay for the fruit and looked down to see two adult monkeys coming towards him quickly even though he didn’t have any food. He was the only small child there so they may have just been curious about someone so small or they may have wanted to check out his bright blue eyes.
We fed the monkeys being careful not to get bitten in the process (I know several people who have had to undergo rabies shots due to monkey bites) and offered one a drink of water. These monkeys could drink out of a bottle easily but had a much harder time having water poured in their mouth so we ended up bathing this poor guy instead.
It had been a busy day and we were all getting tired but Rat had one more adventure in store for us. After a short drive we arrived a place where you could ride elephants. Miniman and BGC were instantly enthralled with the idea. Me, not so much but they couldn’t ride alone so I was stuck. We climbed onto the bench that was strapped to the elephant and took off with our mahout (elephant trainer) straddling the elephant’s neck. Every time the elephant took a step we rocked forward and, unfortunately, there was very little keeping us on the bench. BGC was on one end of the bench while Miniman was in the middle and I was on the other end so Miniman didn‘t have anything to hold onto. Every time we rocked forward he threatened to slip under the flimsy rope that stretched from one end of the bench to the other. At this point I felt a short prayer may be in order.
Our Father who art in Heaven
Our mahout directed the elephant to begin climbing a very steep hill that I had not seen behind the treeline.
Hallowed be thy name
It had rained earlier and the path had been traveled hundreds of times by the elephants so our elephant had a tough time in the slick mud.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done
After about 15 minutes we reached the top of the hill and the view was magnificent. I could see a river down below and the mountains and jungle all around us. There were animal sounds everywhere. We walked along the ridge for a while and then started back down.
On Earth as it is in Heaven
Our elephant obviously did not want to go down the muddy hill. She kept picking her feet up and putting them down in the same place without taking a step. Personally, I trusted the elephant’s judgement as to her ability to get down the hill without slipping far more than the mahout’s so I asked if we could get down and walk but was told that wasn’t an option. The mahout convinced the elephant to begin her decent by hitting her in the head with a wood club. This is where my Ricky Bobby moment started. The ride down was so scary I felt I should call on anyone who could or would offer assistance. You see, God and I have a complex relationship whereby I try to control things and He laughs hysterically at my expense. He was obviously laughing too hard to intervene.
Help me Jewish God
When the elephant put her front feet over the ridge she slid a little. The hill was so steep that with the front of her body going down, the bench we were sitting on was suspended in air and we had to fight to stay in. The mahout put his hand on Miniman’s chest to keep him from sliding. I wrapped one arm around the handle of the bench and held on for dear life while the other arm stretched in front of the kids to act as a barrier.
Help me Tom Cruise
The elephant regained her footing and eased down the hill one precarious step at a time. The mahout led our elephant to the river I had seen from the top of the hill. I thought we were there to let her get a drink but she stepped right in. The river came almost to the top of the elephant’s back and was moving pretty fast but she was able to maintain control. The mahout asked BGC if she would like to ride on the elephant’s neck and she gladly accepted. Just as I started to relax, the mahout jumps off the elephant’s neck and into the river. The current carried him around a curve leaving us without a mahout. BGC laughs and says “oh good, I get to drive the elephant!”
Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses
Thankfully, our elephant knew the way and we eventually reached the bank. When we returned, Rat took one look at me and said, “You no look good. You need drink more water. You drink too much diet coke.” Until then I had never wanted to punch another human being.
As we forgive those that trespass against us.
The rest of our time in Bangkok was spent exploring palaces, seeing Buddha, eating some of the best food in the world, seeing Buddha, roaming ancient ruins, seeing Buddha, getting $3 massages, seeing Buddha, shopping, and, of course, seeing Buddha.
And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Amen.
HA! Tags: near death experience.
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