Backwards Blog #3 - the final Bangkok aka Help me Jewish God, Help me Tom Cruise

There is a scene in the movie Talladega Nights where Will Farrell’s character, Ricky Bobby, thinks he is on fire so he’s running around a racetrack in his underwear and helmet screaming, “Help me Jesus. Help me Jewish God. Help me Allah. Help me Tom Cruise.”

While Will Farrell and I have very little in common, sometimes we do have to call on the same people for a little help.

After we left the Tiger Temple Rat took us to a dirt lot in the middle of nowhere where we could feed wild monkeys. Before we left the car she told me that I would have to hold the Miniman because the monkeys would try to poke his eyes with their fingers. According to Rat, they aren’t used to blue eyes and so they try to touch the odd-colored eyeball out of curiosity. They are really only a threat to small children as they don’t get too close to much larger animals (me).

The monkeys were everywhere. We had to be careful not to hit them as we were opening our car doors. I saw several tourists offering the monkeys bananas but they made a bee line for anyone holding coconut so that’s what we chose to purchase from the lady selling fruit out of a cart. I had to put Miniman down to get money out of my bag to pay for the fruit and looked down to see two adult monkeys coming towards him quickly even though he didn’t have any food. He was the only small child there so they may have just been curious about someone so small or they may have wanted to check out his bright blue eyes.

We fed the monkeys being careful not to get bitten in the process (I know several people who have had to undergo rabies shots due to monkey bites) and offered one a drink of water. These monkeys could drink out of a bottle easily but had a much harder time having water poured in their mouth so we ended up bathing this poor guy instead.

It had been a busy day and we were all getting tired but Rat had one more adventure in store for us. After a short drive we arrived a place where you could ride elephants. Miniman and BGC were instantly enthralled with the idea. Me, not so much but they couldn’t ride alone so I was stuck. We climbed onto the bench that was strapped to the elephant and took off with our mahout (elephant trainer) straddling the elephant’s neck. Every time the elephant took a step we rocked forward and, unfortunately, there was very little keeping us on the bench. BGC was on one end of the bench while Miniman was in the middle and I was on the other end so Miniman didn‘t have anything to hold onto. Every time we rocked forward he threatened to slip under the flimsy rope that stretched from one end of the bench to the other. At this point I felt a short prayer may be in order.

Our Father who art in Heaven

Our mahout directed the elephant to begin climbing a very steep hill that I had not seen behind the treeline.

Hallowed be thy name

It had rained earlier and the path had been traveled hundreds of times by the elephants so our elephant had a tough time in the slick mud.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done

After about 15 minutes we reached the top of the hill and the view was magnificent. I could see a river down below and the mountains and jungle all around us. There were animal sounds everywhere. We walked along the ridge for a while and then started back down.

On Earth as it is in Heaven

Our elephant obviously did not want to go down the muddy hill. She kept picking her feet up and putting them down in the same place without taking a step. Personally, I trusted the elephant’s judgement as to her ability to get down the hill without slipping far more than the mahout’s so I asked if we could get down and walk but was told that wasn’t an option. The mahout convinced the elephant to begin her decent by hitting her in the head with a wood club. This is where my Ricky Bobby moment started. The ride down was so scary I felt I should call on anyone who could or would offer assistance. You see, God and I have a complex relationship whereby I try to control things and He laughs hysterically at my expense. He was obviously laughing too hard to intervene.

Help me Jewish God

When the elephant put her front feet over the ridge she slid a little. The hill was so steep that with the front of her body going down, the bench we were sitting on was suspended in air and we had to fight to stay in. The mahout put his hand on Miniman’s chest to keep him from sliding. I wrapped one arm around the handle of the bench and held on for dear life while the other arm stretched in front of the kids to act as a barrier.

Help me Tom Cruise

The elephant regained her footing and eased down the hill one precarious step at a time. The mahout led our elephant to the river I had seen from the top of the hill. I thought we were there to let her get a drink but she stepped right in. The river came almost to the top of the elephant’s back and was moving pretty fast but she was able to maintain control. The mahout asked BGC if she would like to ride on the elephant’s neck and she gladly accepted. Just as I started to relax, the mahout jumps off the elephant’s neck and into the river. The current carried him around a curve leaving us without a mahout. BGC laughs and says “oh good, I get to drive the elephant!”

Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses

Thankfully, our elephant knew the way and we eventually reached the bank. When we returned, Rat took one look at me and said, “You no look good. You need drink more water. You drink too much diet coke.” Until then I had never wanted to punch another human being.

As we forgive those that trespass against us.

The rest of our time in Bangkok was spent exploring palaces, seeing Buddha, eating some of the best food in the world, seeing Buddha, roaming ancient ruins, seeing Buddha, getting $3 massages, seeing Buddha, shopping, and, of course, seeing Buddha.

And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Backwards Blog #3 - Bangkok, Part 2

While researching things to do in Bangkok I started seeing ads for the Tiger Temple and instantly wanted to go. The idea of tigers not being caged really appealed to me. I've always hated seeing these beautiful animals pacing back and forth in boredom in tiny cages in the zoo. How could they not be bored? They live in cages the size of my bathroom. The Tiger Temple is about 3 hours outside of Bangkok in an area called Kanchaburi and is run by Buddhist monks. Most of the animals at the Temple have been rescued from illegal capture.

So after we left the floating market we drove to Kanchaburi. I wasn't really sure what to expect but kind of thought it would be like a zoo. I thought wrong. We walked thru the dirt parking lot to buy our tickets and got a quick review of the Temple rules. I had to buy BGC a shirt as she was wearing pink and that's one of the colors that supposedly agitates the tigers. You also can't wear anything shiny or dangling. No earrings or necklaces or bracelets. No camera swinging from your neck. No flowy hair things or shoes with anything hanging off of them.

We were finally ready. There wasn't a lick of pavement anywhere. We walked in the dirt dodging animal poo the whole way. The Tiger Temple actually houses a lot of different animals from ostriches to water buffalo and everything in between and nothing is in a cage so there is a wide variety of poo to avoid. We started at the house for for the young tigers where there were several monks milling about. Many were walking around with a tiger on a leash. Can't really put into words how strange that is to see in real life. Once we saw the tigers, we HAD to get closer and touch one. Even though they were less than a year old they were the size of a lab and had enormous paws. Some of the tigers were chained to posts and those are the ones you can take pictures with. I patiently waited my turn and when I touched the first one he shivered a little bit and then relaxed again as if a fly had landed on him. I was talking to him in my mommy voice but had no idea why. We made our way around the area and got to the last tiger. This one was a little bigger and seemed a little less relaxed than the others. So we took pictures with one of the monks behind the tiger and got ready to leave when the tiger caught a glimpse of Miniman (my son) in his peripheral vision and his whole body froze. I swear he stopped breathing. This is the best way I can describe the tiger's reaction: you know when you're standing outside on a cold night waiting for someone to light a bonfire and everyone holds their breath for a split second waiting for the match to hit the fuel, and then it does and the still, emptiness of the night is replaces with dancing amber flames? Well, that's what happened in the tiger's eyes. It was like a veil had been lifted revealing the real life hidden behind. Like someone turned on the lights behind the globes. You cold literally see all those years of evolution take over and the tiger start to form a plan of how to make my son his next meal. Some animals were never meant to be tamed. The monks quickly moved us far away from the tiger and we were sent off to the part of the temple where you find the adult tigers.

We trudged thru more dirt and dust and eventually made our way to the adult tigers. By the way, there are no signs anywhere so thank goodness Rat was with us or there's no telling where we would have ended up. Here's the deal with the adult tigers: only one person can go at a time and only with a monk or volunteer. Parents cannot accompany their children as only one person can go at a time. So, you have to decide then and there if you're going to trust a stranger with your offspring and large adult tigers or not. Great. The volunteers constantly fan the tigers to keep bugs from spooking them.

Vet students come here from all over the world to get experience with large, exotic mammals. Apparently it's tough to get such experience but it helps you get into vet school or get a job out of vet school so there are college kids everywhere. The volunteers live and eat at the Temple so it's a pretty sparse existence. I gave one volunteer from the US a pack of peanut butter crackers and thought he was going to ask for my hand in marriage. I was talking to the same volunteer about the young tiger's reaction to Miniman and asked if the tiger had wanted my child for a snack or a toy and was told "both." First, the tiger would have played with him for a while. I have a feeling this would have only been fun for the tiger. Then things would have gotten a little gory so we just won't even go there.

We made our way to the front of the line and BGC was up first so I held my breath as she made her way thru the tigers. There was part of the path I couldn't see from the line but she re-emerged smiling and in one piece. Now it was Miniman's turn. Keep in mind he was only 3. Instead of going with volunteers, five monks take him. They get to the first tiger and one of the monks puts my youngest baby angel on top of the tiger. Nothing about this seems like a good idea to me. I'm the kind of parent that doesn't let my kids pet strays for fear of them getting bitten and now my baby is on top of a real-life tiger. Several pictures are taken without incident and then it's my turn. And I'm a total coward. It was kind of like thinking you want to ride a roller coaster until you climb to the top of the platform and look down. I didn't want to be that close to an animal that large that eats red meat. In life, especially in life as a parent that travels with kids, sometimes you just have to suck it up and be a big girl. This was one of those times. I plastered a smile on my face, waved to my kids, and followed the volunteer to my impending doom. Only it wasn't. They were lovely. Had I backed out, I would have shown my kids that it's ok to give into your fears and I would have missed the experience of a lifetime. Inexcusable.

As much as I enjoyed getting to be that close to these amazing animals, it was still sad that they had to be there. In a perfect world tigers would have vast expanses of land to roam without the threat of poachers but we don't live in a perfect world.

We had two more adventures ahead of us that day and a long drive back to Rat's B&B so it was time to go. We were so giddy we practically danced out of the Temple.

Backwards Blog #2 - Bangkok 2009, Part 1

Our trip to Phuket was so successful I started looking at where to go next. Thankfully, my good friend Kim Gipson went to Bangkok and her stories and pictures convinced me to go too. Truthfully, I just liked the way Bangkok sounds. Bangkok has always seemed mysterious and exotic. It's one of those places that you read about, see on the Travel Channel and in movies, but never think you'll actually go.

First, a note about time in Singapore. The temperature here never changes so there isn't a beginning or an end to any seasons which tends to make time just sort of disappear. You go to sleep on a Monday night and wake up to Saturday morning it seems. We went to Phuket in July, the kids started school and we had visitors in August, October was a blur, we hosted Thanksgiving in November and before we knew what was going on it was the end of 2009.

So, long story short I hadn't taken the kids anywhere in five whole months. I WASTED FIVE MONTHS THAT I COULD HAVE BEEN TRAVELING. Dangit. OK, time to catch up. I find cheap plane tickets and start searching for a place to stay. Over lunch with a friend she tells me she's been to Bangkok several times and has a lady there named Rat (not her real name, of course) who is her guide. True to the Thai people, Rat is one of the most resourceful people you will ever meet. She also runs a bed and breakfast (here we go again) and a taxi service. The idea of a guide intrigues me as I've never hired one before being a DIY kind of person but I thought it would be a good idea as Bangkok is big, several of the things I wanted to do were out of the way, and Bangkok isn't always the safest place. Plus, there was a lot of political strife in Bangkok at the time with the party called the Red Shirts threatening to riot any day. I hire Rat and the kids and I take off.

Bangkok was crazy! It's loud, smelly, and crowded in a way you just can't get enough of. Kind of like an Asian version of New Orleans. Everything is interesting and different. My kids started rolling their eyes about the 1000th time I said, "Pay attention to everything. You may never see this again." Day one took us to the floating market. You get in a small man-powered, or in our case woman-powered boat and coast down a narrow canal with homes on either side. The boats are made out of wood and are long and narrow. The bottom is somewhat flat for the times when the water is shallow and the lip of the boat is only about four inches above the water. In fact, if a boat came by that had a motor and created waves, we got wet. The homes weren't too unlike ones you'd expect to find in rural south Louisiana. They were built on stilts, crafted out of wood, had large porches across the front, and had steeply pitched roofs. See, a lot like south Louisiana. We took a sharp left and the world changed. Where we had been gliding alone in a residential canal, now we were in a bustling marketplace. There were boats everywhere. People were shouting to draw attention to what they were selling. We could smell food cooking and there was fruit everywhere. Rat bought us some papaya and it was the best I had ever eaten before or since. The range of goods for sale blew my mind. I could buy a hamster, or a sequined purse, or plates, or bbq chicken, or silver or a puppy or...

If you go to pretty much anywhere in Asia you have to be prepared to haggle. Especially when you have blond hair and fair skin and travel with children. People would see me coming with children and shiver with joy. They know how to play the game - you're going thru a crowded market and all the sudden your three year old is holding a toy and looking at you with pleading eyes. Double dangit. The lady that gave your angel the toy is sporting the biggest smile you've ever seen. You ask how much and they tell you the trinket costs the equivalent of $35 American dollars. Let the games begin. So you counter with $.10 and they act offended. They counter with $20 and you act offended. Both parties are smiling the entire time. The money in question is in the Thai currency of baht so you have to know your exchange rates before you go. You counter with $.50 and they say "ok, ok, for you $8. Is good for me, is good for you." It's hot and you're ready to go so you pull out what amounts to $2 and say "This is good for me. Final offer." They refuse so you start to leave. Then they make a fuss, usher you back and agree to $2.10. You leave and your guide tells you you paid too much. It's like this everywhere. If you aren't in a department store or restaurant, you'll have to haggle. Even if you enjoy the bargaining process, you reach a point where you just want to buy a diet coke or piece of fruit without all the commotion. My kids are now experts at keeping their hands in their pockets and saying "no, thank you" over and over.

At the end of the experience, BGC (baby girl castello) had a jewelry box, BBC (baby boy castello) had a toy, and I had a shadowbox with butterflies, bugs and a bat and some awesome traditional hats - you know, the kind that sort of look like lamp shades. We enjoyed the floating market but needed to head to our next destination for the day: the Tiger Temple.

Backwards Blog #1: Phuket, Thailand 2009

Our first big adventure took us to Phuket (pronounced pooh-ket), Thailand. The kids and I had been here all of two weeks when the travel bug hit. Anyone who suffers from an addiction to travel like we do understands the travel bug. It starts with a general malaise then wanderlust settles in. The wanderlust gives way to a near frantic need to settle on a destination. Once you've decided on a destination it's all downhill from there. You spend hours on the internet researching plane tickets, places to stay, things to do, things to eat, etc. etc. In the delirium you lose track of the value of money and refuse to look at your bank account. Bills pile up and relationships suffer. Resistance is futile. You will NOT find relief until your feet land on unfamiliar soil.

So anyway, the bug hits and it hits hard. I quickly settled on Phuket as it was cheap and easy to get to, had great beaches, and was relatively safe for foreigners. Tiger Airways was having one of their famous fare sales and I was able to get three round-trip tickets for next to nothing. I turned to travelocity.com and picked out a bed and breakfast that was close to the beach, got great reviews, and was cheap. Looking back I should have realized that $22 a night was too cheap even by Thai standards but at the time of booking I was so desperate to go I wasn't thinking clearly. I scheduled a few activities and figured we would spend the rest of our time in paradise at the beach.

The day we were scheduled to leave I was perusing a travel forum and read about a scam where some taxi drivers in Phuket were accused of driving to remote locations and refusing to take their foreign passengers to their actual destinations unless they paid more money. I didn't really think too much about it and we headed to the airport for our very late night flight. We got to Phuket in the middle of the night and made our way to the taxi service recommended by other travelers. The taxi operator quoted a reasonable price and we took off. After about 25 minutes the taxi pulls off the main road onto a dirt road with sugar cane growing on both sides. There were no signs, no lights, no pavement, no building, no other cars. I ask the driver where we're going and don't get a response. My mind flashes back to the thread about the scam and I feel a tightness in my throat and notice that my palms are sweating. We're getting further and further from the main road. I ask where we are going for the second time and, again, get no response. I look down at my two sleeping kids and reach for my cell phone. I'm about to start dialing when I see "No service. Emergency calls only" on my screen. Words go thru my mind that are unfit to print.

Now, normally, I'm the kind of person that will GIVE you anything but will fight to the death before I'll let you TAKE it. But in Thailand, in the middle of the night with two sleeping kids I very quickly decided that if the driver wanted more money I would gladly give it over. If he wanted my watch he could have that too. Or my shoes, or my passport, or whatever. In fact, I was totally willing to get out of the taxi with nothing but my kids and start walking. The driver could have had any material possession I had in that taxi with my blessing. I feel my fight or flight reflex taking over right about the time I see bright lights. Out of nowhere, there is a gas station in the middle of a sugar cane field. The driver gets out, fills up, gets back in, and takes us the rest of the way to Karon which is one of the main beach areas of Phuket.

Oh thank goodness. The rest of our trip was a dream. The food was good, the beaches were amazing and we met throngs of lovely people. We did the John Grey Hongs by Starlight adventure, took in a professional muay tai fight, played miniature golf at a place with a erupting volcano, and spent hours on the beach. BGC (baby girl castello) met a friend who lives in Scotland that she skypes with to this day. The only thing I would have changed about the trip was where we stayed. When I booked a bed and breakfast I had a picture in my mind that was not what I found in Phuket. We were on the third floor of a glorified hostel that was undergoing serious renovations. Our bathroom was similar to many in asia in that the shower was not enclosed so if one person took a shower the entire bathroom was wet. The street our b&b was on was crazy at night which made it tough to get any sleep. Each of the nightstands housed boxes of condoms which my kids quickly found making it necessary for our first purchase in Thailand to be unused sheets and pillows for the bed. The Australian owner of the b&b was onsite daily and I just didn't have the heart to tell them I had changed my mind and would be going elsewhere. I have since gotten over this and would not hesitate to make a change in a similar situatio today. So we stayed busy all day and slept on our clean sheets at night and chalked it up to part of the adventure.

Phuket delivered everything that had been promised and then some. We've been back many, many times and have always had a blast. We do, however, stay in much nicer places.